In a past life (before I had kids, not some spiritual transcendence) I was into dogs. Ok, mind out of the gutter ladies, I was involved in a lot of things dogs. Obedience Trials, Shows, Protection Sport - I did it all, and I did some of it really well. I spent every spare moment, and lots of moments that I didn't have to spare, dedicated to it. My competition dog is Arson, who you'll meet in a second. He is one of the true loves of my life. Arson and I have spent hundreds of hours together travelling, have stayed in some lovely hotels, have stayed in some far-from-lovely hotels, we've won together, we've totally lost together, he's let me down, and I've let him down. We've fought, we've triumphed, we've celebrated all sorts of things....he is what is commonly referred to as, my soul dog. I have other dogs, but they are not Arson. And for some reason from the first time I met him as a little puppy (who actually had an owner, which is a long story I won't tell here) I loved him. A lot. Like, I don't have any of my children's names tattooed on my body, but you guessed it - I've got his.
So, as every first time mom thinks (cough, naively) when baby comes, life will continue on as usual with the blessed addition of your little person who will not interrupt the flow of said life in any way at all other than adding the most adorable presence to all activities that you will seamlessly carry on with. Right. We know how that goes. Suddenly brushing my teeth was an accomplishment. Dog training 20+ hours a week?? Hmm....
Days turn into weeks, which turn into months, which turned into years (and the addition of the Pirate) and my best intentions had yet to materialize.
Not wanting to abandon my passion altogether, I attempt to take every opportunity to stay pitifully involved however I can. Last weekend was a great example. I decided to take Princess on a road trip so she could attend her first dog show. Although she had no idea what it was, she talked about it gleefully for days prior, and on dog show morning could barely contain herself. We drove the hour to the show and when we got there, Princess was in heaven surrounded by all the puppies. As we were approaching the show building I ran into a friend of mine from the kennel club I belong to who had just been in the ring and gotten her first let of her Utility title. Now, for those of you not in the know, in the world of dog obedience trials, Utility is really as high as you can go. Not a lot of people get there, it's really tough and takes hundreds of hours of training time to teach your dog some pretty complex exercises (I won't bore the non-dog people with details - if you're curious use our dear friend google :) Needless to say, she was thrilled. So was I. It was an awesome way to start our day.
Well, we didn't last long at the show, two year olds don't find too much enthralling about a dog show once the novelty of petting dogs wears off.....which happens pretty fast when two hundred dogs are packed into a building.....so we didn't get to stick around for much. But, thanks to social media (what was the world like before FB??) I found out that my friend had earned her Utility title that weekend passing 3 of 4 trials. Once again, for non dog people you won't get this, but that is a serious accomplishment. Like serious. Doesn't happen often. And not only did she pass, but she did it with some pretty awesome scores. (Congrats again my friend - you rock!!)
That night, as I laid in bed I couldn't sleep. All of a sudden it was like the heavy weight of sadness had unpacked it's bags in me and I couldn't figure out why. Actually, I could figure out why, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I was sad.....no, I was mourning.....
Motherhood wasn't the most graceful transition I've ever made in my life. It was more like I tripped over two left feet while drinking heavily, fell, and motherhood was where I landed. It was in that moment that I finally admitted I missed me. I missed the person that I was before I had kids. I missed being really good at something. I missed being selfish and spending ridiculous amounts of time and money on something that made me feel good. Hell, I even missed the seedy hotels and the gas station sushi.....but more than anything, I missed my dream. You see, that title that my friend got, was one that a lifetime ago I was training for. And it wasn't until that moment that I finally realized (or at least consciously admitted to myself) it wasn't going to happen. At least not with Arson.
I'm going to be totally honest. That hurts my heart. And even as I write this, the tears are flowing. There is a part of me that feels sickeningly guilty for the way I'm acting over the whole thing (guilty enought that I actually pulled over on the highway while driving home and texted a friend to unload this onto someone else), and there probably aren't a whole lot of people who will understand. I have a beautiful family. I have two gorgeous and healthy children who I have been blessed with. I have hopes and dreams for them and our future. But I no longer have that dream that's just for me...not the way I wanted it anyway.
This is the part of motherhood that no one talks about, and certainly no one tells you about. This is the kind of thing you say to a group of mothers (and I can almost hear the collective sighs of disapproval as I type this)....and everyone gets all uncomfortable at the thought that we should be anything other than delighted at our role in life. I don't care who you are, or how infatuated you are with your role as a mother, I know....I absolutely know that at some point, even if for just a brief fleeting second, we've all felt that loss. I know that not everyone has felt it like I did, and weeped on and off for days, but it's there. In all of us. And maybe if we all talk about it a little more, and judge each other a lot less, it wouldn't be so hard to take....maybe it would be, but at least we wouldn't feel like we had to go it alone.....I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to finish mouring the loss of this particular dream....it doesn't help that when I look at my love Arsy I see the grey in his muzzle, or know that when I enter him from now on he'll be a Veteran....and that really, I have far less free time in my life than I did before the Pirate came.....all I know is that I'm going to give myself permission to take this road of indulgence.....and I'm going to talk about it for anyone else who has something they've been holding close to their heart that they miss.....because really those secret things we hold onto do make up the pieces of who we really are. Regardless of how trivial it seems, this is me. I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm kind of proud of that. I had, and will one day have again, something in my life that I worked really hard for. I got to see the payoff from all my hard work. I was invested, I cared, and I was successful. I got to travel, meet incredible people who shared my passion (and who I miss terribly - cue the waterworks).....I got to spend time with my buddy doing something we both loved. As I look at him, it seems like he's made the transition pretty seamlessly. Kids, and walks, and toddlers with food....life still seems pretty good for Arson. Maybe I should take yet another lesson from my boy....and you know, judging from the glee in which Arson is currently tackling his beloved squeaky toy that he actually won at a trial....I think he'd tell me it'll be okay too.
Thank god for the love of a dog.
Meet Arson.....
Ch. EternalFire's Ignite My Soul Sch1 CDX BH CGN TT
Rottweiler Club Of Canada Hall of Fame
Multi V Rated
Best Puppy In Specialty Show
RCC Regional Specialty Best of Winners
(and love of my life)
you can visit Arson's awesome breeder here.
