The kids are alright.....right?

Worry.  We are all guilty as charged.  Some of us worse than others.  Some of us hide it better than others.  But it's there.  It's part of everyone's life.

There is though, a special kind of worry that comes with motherhood.  Actually, I'm fairly convinced that it's some genetic mutation that occurs upon conception.  Something about sperm meets egg also sets off a worry gene that knows no limitations on the scale.....and that never seems to change. 

I had my first major round of my new found mama worry when I was pregnant with the Princess.  What most people don't know is that at 16 weeks into my pregnancy, I had a placental abruption.  It was terrifying.  The moment I saw the blood, I threw up.  For the last four months I had loved and cherished with an abandon I had never felt before, this new little life I was growing inside me.  From the first ultrasound where her father dubbed her a "grain of rice with a heartbeat" I was in love.  I was more than in love.  I was her mom.  And as each day passed (and really each hour, at times even each minute) that she hung in there for me, I grew more and more fiercely protective.  But when the worry really smacked me in the face was at our next ob/gyn appointment.  I remember her dad asking the doctor when we could relax and know that she was going to be ok as we dealt with the abruption.  His answer...."when you're holding her in your arms.  But that's when a whole new set of worries begin."  It was as if my innocence was lost as hers was growing inside of me as I faced an entire universe of what if's that could tear my precious baby away from me. 

Somehow, and thankfully so, there seems to also be a coping mechanism you gain that combats the irrational fear that lurks behind every corner and allows you to move forward with a sense of normalcy as you stave off what could become crippling fear.  As the days passed and my relief grew that my little bean was staying put in Hotel Mommy (so much so that she overstayed her welcome by a grueling two weeks.....but that's another story) I was able to move on to the much more intangible and mundane worry of the average set.

You see, the decision to leave my marriage wasn't easy.  Even though the writing was on the wall for a long time prior....there were two little people who were unconsenting passengers on the train ride.  Every decision I made had not just an impact on me, and my ex.....but what feels like a lifetime impact on the Princess and the Pirate.  Growing up in a family that most closely resembled the Waltons, I had in my head a very strong picture of what my family would look like.  We were going to be nuclear.  Mommy, Daddy, 2 kids, dogs, and a white picket fence.....we would spend Sundays as a family delighting in exploring nature, and farm life, and picnics, and long walks.....well....you get the picture.  I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I could do it - that I could stick it out for the 'sake of the children'.  I wanted desperately for them to have the same storybook childhood I did.  I still see a Mom and a Dad who love each other dearly after 40 years of marriage.  They hold hands.  They cherish each other.  They are truly partners in life in every sense of the word.  When I was separating from my husband I spent a lot of time staying with my parents.  One night, my Dad was making dinner in the kitchen while my mom was also working in there at the same time.  At one point they bumped into each other in front of the kitchen sink.  She said something to the effect of she would get out of his way....and he looked at her and said "Dear, you've never been in my way a day in your life."  I will never forget that moment as long as I live.   I think I cried for over an hour that night after hearing such little words that held so much weight.  That was the love I was after.  That was what I needed to have.  That was nothing close to what I had in front of me.....and it didn't take rocket science to see that it wasn't ever going to be. 

As you go through a major life change I find that the people you need to be there, are there, if you open yourself up.  I really struggled with this notion of splitting up the family.  I wanted my kids to have a whole family.  A Mommy and a Daddy who lived in the same house in domestic bliss....or even a reasonable facsimile.  There were two pivotal pieces of advice I got from two separate friends that I hold very dear to my heart.  The first was a blunt statement from one of my favorite people.  She simply said, "My parents stayed together for the sake of the kids.  They shouldn't have."  The other from an equally dear friend was after my musing again about splitting up the nuclear family (dear god, I still haven't figured out my fascination with that) and she said, "don't you want your daughter to see that you can provide happiness for yourself.  She would want that for her Mom"

So....we all know the ending to the story.  And of course, with that cropped up a whole new set of things to worry about.  Children of divorce.  Broken home. (And after I came out so late in life....well that cropped even more worry into the mix.)   Those are such ugly words.  And I spent a lot of time worrying about the stigma that comes with them.  I work full time....I run a household alone....I'm the primary custody parent to the kids.....it's a plateful.....and I don't spend as much time just hanging with my kids as I'd like.  In fact, I don't spend as much time with my kids as I'd like period.  There are constant reminders of it everywhere.  The day the Princess was singing the theme song to a TV show I wasn't aware she'd even seen.....the day on the ride home when she gleefully told me babies come from vaginas (followed by maniacal laughter....oh yeah, that one was a doozy).....when she told me a knock-knock joke (or a close approximation to what I assume was a knock-knock joke because it contained the words knock-knock what felt like a few hundred times).....or any of the other little reminders that it is actually a village that is raising my children (thanks Hilary) and not just me.  Every time these things happen it's a little knife in the heart that I've missed that discovery in her life.  I wasn't there to share that magical moment of newness she stumbled across.  I missed it. 

I hope in my heart with every fibre of my being that the lessons I'm teaching them are enough.  That even though I won't always be there for the little day to day discoveries, I can shape the big ideas in their lives.  That they'll see that hard work pays off.  That it's okay to find happiness for yourself even if it's not conventional.  That if you're not getting what you need in life, that only you can make the changes that take you on a path to where what you need is.  That you are responsible for you.  That please and thank you are two of the most important words going.  That Mommy is only one person but she loves you with everything in her existence and would move mountains to make you happy (and after the sheer volume of firewood I've hauled this winter I may actually be close).....and that teaching them to be strong, capable, confident, and self sufficient are the biggest gifts I can bestow upon their little lives. 

This afternoon, after returning to the living room from about 4.8 seconds (yes, I can actually pee that fast....one of the other skills of motherhood not widely discussed) of absence to find the Princess in a precarious mid scale of the baby gate around the woodstove using a complex two step stool invention she had concocted to rescue the Pirate's blue elephant that had either been dropped or 'lovingly' placed there by the Princess (jury is still out on that one), like any mother "Get down!" came reflexively barking out of my mouth.

The immediate response as her mission continued for another second until I could physically intervene...."But mo-om.....I'm a superhero!!"

oh yes.  I think the kids are definitely alright :)





 

For the love of.....love.

Let's face it.  We're a collective grouping of love junkies.

Happy Valentine's Day peeps......

Now, I thought long and hard about a Valentine's Day post.....because realistically, there may not be anything more stereotypical than a divorced chick talking about her disdain for the day of love.....but actually, as long standing as my aversion to this day has run, this year I feel it's actually the least offensive it's been in a long time,  which of course gave me license to muse away.  I mean really?  A day where we all wallow in our glory as huge bouquets of roses, romantic dinners, diamonds and sexy lingerie are not only expected, but have come to be the norm.  It's as bad as a bunch of high schoolers worrying about prom.....and quite frankly, I'd rather not get one more email with some hot, young, scantily clad model wearing the sexiest get up I've seen in a while captioned with the likes of "play sexy"....or my personal favourite "bling it on and show off this V-day!"(I know, I'm really not their target market, and well, I don't really dig that stuff anyhow).....but seriously - I'm 37 and I've had two kids.....I'd like to show her I love her, not give her nightmares for the rest of her life as I bust out in my rhinestone thong.....sweet jesus people - time for a reality check here.....

After I strip away (ok, pun intended) all the excess of the day, the notion is pretty sweet....I guess?  Yes.  Showing your love for your significant other is very, very essential.  But shouldn't that be kind of an every day thing?  Am I the only one who would appreciate a gesture that wasn't so contrived?  I have to tell you, at this stage in the game I'd trade any number of dozens of roses for a shower in which I didn't have to a) rush through or get up at 5 am to take, and 2) keep one ear cocked for the inevitable disaster that is occurring in the wake of two unsupervised toddlers.  Throw in a huge bonus prize if anyone is willing to pick up the resultant tornado of toys, clothes, and god knows what else they manage to destruct during five minutes of shoddy supervision (or just in the course of the day for that matter).  How about an hour or two to......hmm....I'm not sure what I'd do with that kind of alone time.....I'd be drunk with the freedom, that's for sure.....but again, I'd trade your fanciest set menu dinner in any restaurant tomorrow night for a bit of time.....and quiet.....and well, just togetherness.....because at the end of the day......I think that is love.  It is really the sum of all those little things.  Remembering it's garbage day.  Putting gas in the car.  Picking up milk because we needed it.  Sitting on the couch once the kids are in bed and just holding hands in the quiet.  Going for a walk together.  Just a touch for no reason.  All of those things are so....easy....and it's just so easy to forget all of those things too.  And it's even easier to continue to let them slide to the bottom of the priority list because life just has so many other things that keep coming at you relentlessly.  And maybe I'm just so much more sensitive to it this time around because I've seen first hand what can happen.....and just how many things grow that can't be fixed with a fancy romantic dinner and a dozen roses....and then can't be fixed at all...... 

So....to all you love junkies out there who have big plans tomorrow night - enjoy them my friends.  I hope everyone has something in their day that makes them smile and feel loved, not matter what or by whom.   I have a hot date with a Princess and a Pirate tomorrow night.....and a dozen pale pink tulips that my Princess picked out herself for "us".....and even though there is someone that I'd kind of really like to be with tomorrow night,  life has other plans.....and that's just fine......because somewhere in the future there will be a Tuesday night and that will be just as good....in fact, it might even be better ;)

And then we were three......

Hiatus.  That's a word.  It's also what I took when my life derailed.  It's been a long time my friends, but I've come through the storm and I'm standing in the calm (sort-of) aftermath surveying the damage.  Like the end of any raging storm, there is that sense of renewal now that the pelting rain and the punishing wind has abated.  The sunshine is starting to peek through and I have a cautious optimism that we're going to be ok.  Well....that cautious optimism may be more like the desperation of survival instincts that kicked in....but regardless of the source - it'll be ok.

Some of you know, some of you are just finding out.....but the Princess, the Pirate and I are now a trio.  The details of what happened are, and will remain private, but I will say that sometimes in life there are problems that are just bigger than "us".  And so "us" become "me" and "your father" (which is what I call him on a good day) and so starts the next chapter of life as becoming mom is suddenly becoming everything.....and that my friends is a big ass job.

I have to tell you.....I was like what I assume everyone else was when they got married and started a family....in it for the long haul.  I prided myself on the thought that my marriage was impenetrable and that with hard work (that I was more than willing to put in) and perseverance we could and would weather any storm.  I was what I like to now refer to as really fucking wrong.  When you spend a long time building a life with someone, it is more that a daunting task to start to unweave all the intertwined pieces.  There's a lot of hurt.  There's a lot of anger.  There's a lot of assigning blame.  There's a lot of deflecting blame.  And even more when it sets squarely on your shoulders in so many ways.  There's a whole lot of irrationality.  There's even more exhaustion......because as all the pieces come apart they leave holes.....which are the pieces of you that get taken away.....and those pieces take some work to rebuild.

I guess the silver lining in all of this (oh god, I am tired, I just used the phrase silver lining) is that I have Princess and the Pirate.  Having my two monkeys leaves me approximately zero minutes a day to feel sorry for myself or attempt anything resembling self pity.  From the moment my feet hit the floor at around the 5am mark it is a non stop whirlwind of laundry, dishes, lunches, dogs, cat (yes, I at some point decided I didn't have enough on my plate and therefore Fred joined our family), breakfast, bags packed, shoes and coats on, out the door to daycare....at some point in there I do shower and slap on some make up - just enough to not scare anyone from the heavily accumulated bags under my eyes.....then it's off to a nine hour day of work, pick up kids, dinner, dishes, dogs, baths, more laundry, bedtime, clean up the aftermath of the tornado of toys and then a moment to think about.....wait, what's my name again?  This would explain a few things such as finding my missing wine opener (I know - panic was setting in) in the vegetable drawer in the fridge, and the day I was loading dirty cutlery into same said vegetable drawer instead of the dishwasher.....seriously, some days it's worse than when I was in the fog of having a newborn.

But, like every other part of life, you soldier on.  Try to think about the fact that someone is always having it worse than you.  Try not to think about the fact that it seems as if everyone in the world has it easier than you (wait - I did find time for self pity!)......and survive.  Because despite the bone crushing exhaustion and the fear that if you stop for a second you won't find the momentum to carry on, there are moments like tonight when baths have been had, fleecy jammies are on, and my two monkeys and I piled into mommy's bed for a hug and giggle fest.  Those are the moments where I draw my strength from.  Those precious moments of unadulterated joy.  Moments where the world stands still and there is nothing in your heart but happiness and love regardless of how brief or fleeting......and that's what I cling to.....because going from moment to moment strings together enough to keep me going.  And it won't always be like this.  It won't always be this hard.  Sometimes it'll be harder......and seriously, sometime it'll get easier. So, as I start to feel more and more like a somewhat reasonable facsimile of my old self, I'll be around a bit more.  I've got some explaining to do like my love affair with a minivan (details to come) and of course the many parenting wins and fails that I've experienced.....

A quick note - to all my friends who have been so loving and caring and supportive.  You guys are all amazing.  Seriously.  Amazing.  I know I don't always respond to your messages or keep in touch the way I should but please know - your words make a difference and I love each and every one of you for thinking about us.