Hiatus. That's a word. It's also what I took when my life derailed. It's been a long time my friends, but I've come through the storm and I'm standing in the calm (sort-of) aftermath surveying the damage. Like the end of any raging storm, there is that sense of renewal now that the pelting rain and the punishing wind has abated. The sunshine is starting to peek through and I have a cautious optimism that we're going to be ok. Well....that cautious optimism may be more like the desperation of survival instincts that kicked in....but regardless of the source - it'll be ok.
Some of you know, some of you are just finding out.....but the Princess, the Pirate and I are now a trio. The details of what happened are, and will remain private, but I will say that sometimes in life there are problems that are just bigger than "us". And so "us" become "me" and "your father" (which is what I call him on a good day) and so starts the next chapter of life as becoming mom is suddenly becoming everything.....and that my friends is a big ass job.
I have to tell you.....I was like what I assume everyone else was when they got married and started a family....in it for the long haul. I prided myself on the thought that my marriage was impenetrable and that with hard work (that I was more than willing to put in) and perseverance we could and would weather any storm. I was what I like to now refer to as really fucking wrong. When you spend a long time building a life with someone, it is more that a daunting task to start to unweave all the intertwined pieces. There's a lot of hurt. There's a lot of anger. There's a lot of assigning blame. There's a lot of deflecting blame. And even more when it sets squarely on your shoulders in so many ways. There's a whole lot of irrationality. There's even more exhaustion......because as all the pieces come apart they leave holes.....which are the pieces of you that get taken away.....and those pieces take some work to rebuild.
I guess the silver lining in all of this (oh god, I am tired, I just used the phrase silver lining) is that I have Princess and the Pirate. Having my two monkeys leaves me approximately zero minutes a day to feel sorry for myself or attempt anything resembling self pity. From the moment my feet hit the floor at around the 5am mark it is a non stop whirlwind of laundry, dishes, lunches, dogs, cat (yes, I at some point decided I didn't have enough on my plate and therefore Fred joined our family), breakfast, bags packed, shoes and coats on, out the door to daycare....at some point in there I do shower and slap on some make up - just enough to not scare anyone from the heavily accumulated bags under my eyes.....then it's off to a nine hour day of work, pick up kids, dinner, dishes, dogs, baths, more laundry, bedtime, clean up the aftermath of the tornado of toys and then a moment to think about.....wait, what's my name again? This would explain a few things such as finding my missing wine opener (I know - panic was setting in) in the vegetable drawer in the fridge, and the day I was loading dirty cutlery into same said vegetable drawer instead of the dishwasher.....seriously, some days it's worse than when I was in the fog of having a newborn.
But, like every other part of life, you soldier on. Try to think about the fact that someone is always having it worse than you. Try not to think about the fact that it seems as if everyone in the world has it easier than you (wait - I did find time for self pity!)......and survive. Because despite the bone crushing exhaustion and the fear that if you stop for a second you won't find the momentum to carry on, there are moments like tonight when baths have been had, fleecy jammies are on, and my two monkeys and I piled into mommy's bed for a hug and giggle fest. Those are the moments where I draw my strength from. Those precious moments of unadulterated joy. Moments where the world stands still and there is nothing in your heart but happiness and love regardless of how brief or fleeting......and that's what I cling to.....because going from moment to moment strings together enough to keep me going. And it won't always be like this. It won't always be this hard. Sometimes it'll be harder......and seriously, sometime it'll get easier. So, as I start to feel more and more like a somewhat reasonable facsimile of my old self, I'll be around a bit more. I've got some explaining to do like my love affair with a minivan (details to come) and of course the many parenting wins and fails that I've experienced.....
A quick note - to all my friends who have been so loving and caring and supportive. You guys are all amazing. Seriously. Amazing. I know I don't always respond to your messages or keep in touch the way I should but please know - your words make a difference and I love each and every one of you for thinking about us.
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