If only.....

There have probably been a million times (and I really don't think I'm exaggerating for effect here) that I have said "if only..." since becoming a Mommy.  Recently I've been feeling like this whole job is seriously kicking my ass.  I'm tired (thanks Pirate).....like tired to a point that I don't think I've ever been before and as a result my overall parenting skills have hit the skids big time.  The last few days have been epically bad and I have found myself breaking every cardinal rule that I had dealt myself before becoming a mom.  This is far from a cry for pity, rather just some humbling honestly for anyone out there who is in my shoes (or worse off - because sadly I know you're out there too).....and I thought I'd start by sharing my list of "If only I was as good a Mommy as I was before I had kids"

1. I will never let my child sleep on dirty sheets.  I read recently, and it made me laugh, "Don't worry, you're not the only Mother to throw a towel over the peed on sheets and go back to bed."  Hell, I'm so tired these days my kids don't even get a towel.  Sorry Pirate - Mommy will just shift you out of that puddle of spit up....really you've got your whole crib mattress to work.....

2. TV is not a babysitter.  That's right - TV is better than a babysitter - you don't have to pay your TV by the hour!!  And really, my sanity is already so broken at this point that watching 101 Dalmatians for the fourth time today isn't doing the kind of damage it once would have.....Oh wait, I should be thinking about my children's well being?  Hmmm......

3.  My kids will not eat unhealthy food.  Ok, my kids will not eat unhealthy food before a nutritious breakfast and lunch.  Right, well, they won't eat crap before breakfast......Alright - the mall opens at 10 and Mommy desperately need to go into a fitting room so eat this frozen yogurt pop in the car and we'll crack into the chocolate in the parking lot.....fine, if you're going to be like that just eat the damn chocolate......

4.  I will not touch any alcohol while breastfeeding and/or being the lone parent home with my children.  Right.  Enough said. 

5.  Everyday we will plan some enriching and educational activity to do as a family.  Sure.  While working on approximately three hours of broken sleep has significantly reduced my ability to, well, be coherent at times, I have now begun to consider viewing any of the Disney classics as educational.  And really, making letting your toddler engage in a fun game of  'let's vacuum the kitchen' is always enriching.....

6.  I will not lose my temper, or ignore my child who is in an obvious attempt to engage me.  Alright, some background on this.  I have spent a lot of my life working in the retail sector, a significant amount in a children's retailer.  I had, previous to having my own spawn, witnessed frazzled parents attempting to tune out what I at the time perceived to be delightful toddler antics, and was very judgemental of these obviously inferior parenting skills.  Trust me - until you've played 6821 rounds of "why?" that hour, or heard for the umpteen-millionth time about how Princess' balloon popped three weeks ago you can't appreciate the finely honed skill of selective listening.....seriously, it's a testament of a truly skilled parent to be able to tune out a three year old.....kudos to you if you've acquired it - well deserved my friends.

7.   I will not give into whining.....that will just enforce the behaviour.  Ok.  I was partly right.  It certainly does enforce the behaviour.  But, when it's a choice of giving into that hair curling pitch only a toddler can hit while in a committed state of getting-what-I-want-by-whining-in-a-frequency-reserved-only-for-bats.....well, that round goes to you my toddler friend.  Mommy wants us both to live to see tomorrow.  Game.  Set.  Match.

8.  We will establish and follow a set bedtime routine to allow for easier bedtimes and better sleep quality.  Actually, when I had only one child this was pretty standard fare.  Bath, story, bed.  However, add in another and look out - especially now that Princess can open doors.  Fabulous skill for a toddler to acquire....really.  So the choices are - childproof door covers on the inside of the bathroom doors to lock all three of us in while I bath the Pirate and Princess screams the entire time so loudly that the paint peels off the walls, or bathe Pirate while Princess roams the house unsupervised which has resulted in, but not limited to, the following:  crayon on suede couch, crayon on approx 100 sq/ft of flooring, indelible ink on window sill, consumption of three chocolate bunnies left over from Easter,  removal of diaper followed by peeing on suede chair, ripping the window screen out of living room window, emptying entire contents of dresser onto floor, tipping over now empty dresser......ok, you see the pattern.  So bedtime routine now consists of pyjamas.  Done.

9.  I will keep a clean and organized house so that my children have a friendly and full access place to play.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!  On a serious note, I have discovered that playdough, much like peas, kraft dinner, corn, chicken, rice (just to name a few) all dry to a lovely vacuumable consistency over night making clean up much more efficient.  Mom, if you're reading this I'm sorry.  Somewhere you clearly went very wrong.

10.  I will love my kids.  I wasn't aware that an emotion like the one I feel for Princess and the Pirate existed.  I don't think love is a big enough word.  I look at those two and they bring tears to my eyes (the good kind!  It happens - really).  I am overwhelmed with the way I feel about them.  I heard something once, to the tune of - having a child means forever wearing a part of your heart on the outside.  For those of you who are parents - you know what that means.  For those of you who aren't, I'm sorry that I can't explain it other than it is the single strongest, most amazing emotion and love I have ever experienced in my life.  And even though there are moments when jumping off the roof seems like the least painful option of the day - I adore my monkeys - more than I have to words to express.  And then I think maybe I am as good a mom as I was before I had kids.....maybe I'm even better......