Sit. Stay. Potty??

If someone had given me a list of things I wouldn't be prepared for during the course of childbirth/child rearing there are things that with common sense I would have graciously accepted and acknowledged as an occupational hazard.  Of course, as anyone who has experienced the pleasure (cough) of parenting, you know that the longer list are things that you would have never in a million sleep deprived years guessed to be truth....rather just a hazing scare from the BTDT's much akin to the quintessential "fish stories" you hear during the course of your life.  Such examples include (but are not limited to):

- yes, a newborn baby really can nurse for 24 solid hours a day without stopping.  The wonderful lactation consultants breastfeeding nazis call this cluster feeding, and assure you it is perfectly normal.  I called it medieval torture, and there is nothing normal about it at all.

- the above activity will, in fact, cause your nipples to crack and bleed.  My lactation BFF's are not concerned by this in the least.  Actually, they encourage insist force you to continue letting your wee piranha nurse through this horrifying situation by casting doubt on you suitability as a mother if you cannot carry out said task. 

- Your new baby will lull you into a false sense of security by spending most of the first week sleeping like.....well, like a baby.  Shortly after this blissful week where you actually feel like you might be getting a handle on this whole parenting thing, your baby will never sleep again until the age of two.

- You will go out in public in a state that you thought was only reserved for the severely mentally ill (which due to the lack of sleep surprise! - you've now joined).  Baby vomit will become a staple of your now less than fashionable wardrobe.  Suddenly, second day hair is squeaky clean and fourth day hair becomes the questionable limit.  Oh, and clean clothes - while your precious little one is in his third clean outfit of the day before noon, your shirt has debatedly passed the sniff test off the bedroom floor.....besides who's really looking at you?

- You will never experience privacy again.  Ever.  In any situation.  Most notably, you will never use the bathroom alone again for at least the next three years....longer is you foolishly decided in your sleep deprived stupor to enjoy this experience for a second (or third) time around.

In fact, as your wee one gets older, not only will you never experience privacy in the bathroom again, you will find as the dreaded "P" word becomes part of your vocabulary, that not only do you encourage company to your trips to the bathroom, but you also take on the most hardcore exhibitionist approach to what used to be a highly personal activity.  Besides, the ability to experience humiliation disappears in direct correlation to sleep deprivation which at this stage in life should be around....well let's say none.....

Potty Training.  Other than 'Natural Childbirth', I'm not sure there are two more frightening words in the English language.  Of course, I'm imagining there are exceptions to every rule....for anyone who hasn't struggled with, been shamed by, wanted to rip their hair out, or all around felt like a poor excuse for a human being as they once again scrubbed stuff that shouldn't be in their carpet out of it.....please share your secret....but for me and so many others....this is rough stuff.  I have felt, as the Princess approaches three years of age and steadfastly refuses to use the potty, that I would in fact be sending her to her first day of school in diapers (my shred of hope I was holding on to as attempt after attempt failed miserably)....however, in the last two days my optimism has been cautiously restored and as we march forward in our adventure I can once again see a tiny light of accomplishment at the end of the tunnel....well, either it's that or a crack in my psyche but it's still premature to make a determination on that one.

Ok, Mommy confession time.  As an accomplished dog trainer (with awards and stuff to prove it), I have taken many chapters of child rearing from my knowledge of all things dog related.  Potty training a puppy?  No problem!  And really, babies are babies right? (yes....I now see the error - okay, gaping flaw, in my logic)....but really, should it be this hard?  I thought I had done everything right.  Purchased and read (well, skimmed, but enough to get the gist) book after book about potty training.  I bought an adorable Dora potty seat for our toilet, and another small pink potty adorns my living room....we've tried cute underwear, pull ups with the somewhat frightening technology that makes urine feel cold upon contact, and finally just letting her go 'au natural'.....all of the above are noted tried and true methods of potty training which have all failed me.  We can spend countless hours admiring Dora and Boots....counting the flowers and butterflies on the seat.....using as much toilet paper as Mommy will allow to "wipe" (obviously my exhibitionist tactics didn't go totally unnoticed) and approximately four minutes after getting off the potty gleefully show Mommy the puddle of pee on the kitchen floor.  And please don't get me started on the reward based methods.  I am now convinced that it would be easier (and far less painful) to explain Quantum Physics to my child rather than why she can't have one of the Smarties in the bag until she's put a pee pee in the potty.....I'm just holding on to the fact that at least I have enough sense to abandon these flawed approaches before causing serious damage to either one of us.

So, like so many other things in the life of a parent, I've made the conscious commitment to stop worrying about my child's lack of progress and take on the 'she'll do it when she's ready' approach...aka: "The last trick I had up my sleeve just got shot down like Ol' Yeller.....".  To solidify my dedication I just purchased another big box of diapers for Princess, and a value pack of paper towel for me. And as I try to separate teaching this important right of passage from my worth as a human being, I rest somewhat assured that as of yet, science has not yet found a link between age of potty training and test scores on SAT's.

And I thank God for hardwood floors.